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Sep 23 2011

Lady Gaga Cellulite

Ten Ways To Look UnAttractive

Ten Most Mortifying Things to Wear

1. Shirt dresses- Shirt Dresses are a bad bad idea. The thought that shirt dresses would ‘enhance’ your figure is a totally misconstrued concept! No. What they do do, is they mess up the smooth flow that a dress should give and have that odd hem which looks like you’re wearing your boyfriend’s shirt SUCH a bad idea. Whoever created the shirtdress must have been Kate Moss thin. Ugh.

2. Bright turtlenecks- Bright Turtlenecks are best described as vibrant. Yes. Pretty in the sense that they should be draped around your Christmas tree as decorations for your child’s neighborhood christmas party. This is an atrocity that shouldn’t have never gotton close to the dying machine. Turtle necks should only be worn in black, gray and white. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).

3. Leather pants- Leather Pants?! We may still listen to Madonna, but the eighties are long gone! Who could possibly pull off leather pants(besides kate moss)? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!

4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As we discussed before- you’re probably not stick thin, meaning you do have boobs. So dahling, wearing a thick belt that’s actually a girdle worn outside of the outfit it plain ridiculous. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.

5. Handbags as big as luggage: Handbags were meant to be HAND-bags, not ARM-bags. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).

6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.

7. Round eyewear: Yes. Once again, unless you have a bony, angular Kate Moss shaped face, please don’t wear these round atrocities!

8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. You will most likely topple over, break your ankle and have to walk around in a plaster for the next six weeks.

9. Tube tops and bustiers: Bustiers are just ew-unless you are Lady Gaga(are you Lady Gaga?). Bad Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.

10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing bodysuit shapewear. Otherwise white pants are perfect if you want to show off your cellulite. Just become someone was stupid enought to invent them, doesn’t mean you have to wear white pants. White shoes won’t get you any dates. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!

So guys. My latest tips on how ‘not to look fat’.

About the Author

Mehndi Rao writes about everything from baby clothes to bodysuit shapewear . A passionate critic, she doesn’t shy away from speaking(or writing) her mind!

Celebrities with cellulite 2